No you cannot fix your entire life at 2am. Go to bed.
You can fix some of it though! By going to bed.
Ever since I read a post saying “don’t trust yourself after 9pm” whenever I find myself spiralling at 2am I check the time, see it’s after 9pm, and remember not to trust myself and just go to sleep. Works wonders. The problems are never as bad in the morning.
Btw I was talking to Kiddo about social rules because we're both autistic and it doesn't come naturally to either of us but I have 25 years experience on them so I have some useful tips
And as proof of that: in that conversation I realised what neurotypicals mean when they say we "make everything about us"
When they're talking and we interject "fun facts" or start talking about something related to what they're saying we mean:
"I am showing interest in you and your interests by engaging with them and showing I'm listening by adding information"
From their perspective we are stomping over their turn to talk and making it our turn and therefore making it about us
Conversation example:
NT: my favourite animal is sharks
Autistic person: with some sharks species the shark pup that hatches first hunts the others and eats them while being incubated inside the mother
Autistic person perspective: I have shown interest in you by giving you information about a topic you have shown interest in
NT person's perspective: wow they made my favourite animal a time for them to show off instead of letting me talk when it was my turn
It's doesn't matter if it's "on topic" or "relevant to the person" if it's when it's their turn to be the focus of the conversation
Like I know there is a bit more to it but this is the first time in 39 years I have understood the accusation "you're making this all about yourself"
OHHH. Ok? I think I get it?
NT important variables: When (whose turn is it), and How (intonation, etc) - Conversational metadata.
ND important variables: What (the literal text/information exchange), and Why (the purpose fulfilled) - The base conversation.
From one autistic to another: you can master this exchange with one easy tool.
Ask a follow-up question.
As stated, allistic conversations do put a lot of weight into whose turn it is to speak. So in the above example,
Person: my favorite animal is sharks
The best follow-up response is "what do you like about sharks?"
Your conversation partner will answer, and if they're not a dickbag, then they will turn the conversation back to you, likely with a relevant question - "what's your favorite animal?" At which point you are free to infodump just a little. Keep it within one or two sentences - unless of course the person finds the info interesting.
But then keep asking follow-up questions, or at least give your conversation partner a chance to follow-up on their statements. Don't worry too much about the timing of questions, and if you're even slightly anxious that you're asking something too personal/rude, then tack on a "sorry, you don't have to answer." Allistic people just like to know that you're listening to what they have to say about the topic.
This is good advice and largely what I told my kid to do
I'm still thrown though that even though I had picked up on the "you need to ask questions and limit your sharing" (even though I'm not great at it) but I was 39 before I realised why allistics went about things the way they did
my dad likes to call the stretches of time where you’re not creating “dreaming periods” and says that they’re meant to allow you to absorb all of the beauty, life, and inspiration from the things around you so that when you’re able to create again, you will have fanned your spark back into a flame. sometimes its hard to see those moments as anything but stagnation, but he always says that they’re natural and healthy and needed—things that should be embraced rather than feared.
it fucking sucks how you can do all the therapy and self healing in the world and you still have to wake up living under a capitalist death cult that's killed community and crushes your soul
congrats you want to live and be happy
bad news the world doesn't want that for you
I'll still love fully and crawl to hope until my body gives out anyway I guess
